It’s ok not to be ok

It’s been way too long since I posted on here. Honestly it’s easier just to post a quick picture on IG than to write a complete blog post here.

I have been severely depressed the last few weeks, but you wouldn’t be able to tell it from pictures I post. Plus filters also make things 1000 times better.

I have low self esteem. I second guess everything I do. I don’t want to be a burden to anyone. I keep a lot of how I’m feeling bottled up. I’ve been betrayed in the past and I don’t want to be vulnerable.

The holidays around this time honestly suck for me. I put on a cheery attitude and try to make it perfect for my kids. I want them to have fun and sentimental memories of this time.

Yes, there are days I lose my shit. It’s hard to constantly fake happiness when inside all you feel like doing is crying. Days where I know I need to be productive but I just don’t have the right mentality to follow through.

I want to cut off all my hair, but I like being able to do various styles to it. I want to lose weight, but I want comfort food. I want to be vulnerable, but I don’t want to hurt again. I want to just sleep, but my mind won’t stop racing.

My daily struggle is my own mind. To give in to the depression or to keep fighting through it.

I had a two hour long anxiety attack. I could not stop shaking. You wouldn’t be able to tell from the pictures I took that it was a battle just to finish.

Yes, I take medication, I have a therapist, I have some people to talk to. But that’s the thing, I don’t want to rely on others. As much as I appreciate those who offer support, I don’t want to burden them.

I’m not ok, but that’s ok. Because I’m still here. That’s what counts.