It’s ok not to be ok

It’s been way too long since I posted on here. Honestly it’s easier just to post a quick picture on IG than to write a complete blog post here.

I have been severely depressed the last few weeks, but you wouldn’t be able to tell it from pictures I post. Plus filters also make things 1000 times better.

I have low self esteem. I second guess everything I do. I don’t want to be a burden to anyone. I keep a lot of how I’m feeling bottled up. I’ve been betrayed in the past and I don’t want to be vulnerable.

The holidays around this time honestly suck for me. I put on a cheery attitude and try to make it perfect for my kids. I want them to have fun and sentimental memories of this time.

Yes, there are days I lose my shit. It’s hard to constantly fake happiness when inside all you feel like doing is crying. Days where I know I need to be productive but I just don’t have the right mentality to follow through.

I want to cut off all my hair, but I like being able to do various styles to it. I want to lose weight, but I want comfort food. I want to be vulnerable, but I don’t want to hurt again. I want to just sleep, but my mind won’t stop racing.

My daily struggle is my own mind. To give in to the depression or to keep fighting through it.

I had a two hour long anxiety attack. I could not stop shaking. You wouldn’t be able to tell from the pictures I took that it was a battle just to finish.

Yes, I take medication, I have a therapist, I have some people to talk to. But that’s the thing, I don’t want to rely on others. As much as I appreciate those who offer support, I don’t want to burden them.

I’m not ok, but that’s ok. Because I’m still here. That’s what counts.

Published by firestormofbooks

Hello, An avid book reader, crochet enthusiast, makeup enthusiast, and someone who enjoys those hobbies. This is where I will share some book reviews, cosplays inspired by bookish or televison characters as well as crochet creations I make from time to time.

2 thoughts on “It’s ok not to be ok

  1. I am sorry that you are going through a rough patch. It’s hard to put on a happy facade when we are feeling everything but that internally. Hope you find a silver lining on the horizon and feel better soon.

    Liked by 1 person

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